“The way we communicate with others and with ourselves ultimately determines the quality of our lives.”
Are you and your partner able to comfortably communicate with each other about when and how you want to be sexual?
Do you and your partner consider and respect each other’s sexual desires and fantasies?
Does communication about your sexual relationship flow freely and openly with your partner?
…If you answered no to any of the questions above, chances are that the sexual communication in your relationship could do with a little improvement……That’s not to say that you and your partner don’t have a great relationship, and that communication is poor in other areas. In fact, you may have a very solid partnership with high levels of general communication, but research tells us that sexual communication and general communication in relationships are two very different things!
Sexual communication is the ability to talk about and initiate pleasurable sexual behaviours. Sexual communication enables a couple to let each other know about their sexual preferences, needs and desires. In relationships, discussing sexual matters including when, how, and how often both partners want to have sex, can be surprisingly challenging.
Sexual communication involves sexual discussion and actions which enable a couple to let each other know about their sexual preferences, needs and desires. Ironically, so many people can engage in intimate sex acts with a partner, yet still fear and avoid bringing up sexual issues with them, particularly sexual likes and dislikes.
….It’s kind of understandable though, considering sexual communication is not exactly a skillset we have the opportunity to learn about during childhood or adolescence; and thus the ability to communicate about sex in adult relationships is a skill which most people just do not have the chance to develop.
Research consistently shows us that intimate partners who practice good sexual communication including discussing their sex lives can feel a stronger bond or sense of closeness in the relationship in general, as well as experiencing more satisfaction in bed.
….So now you know how important talking about sex with your lover really is, let’s get to showing you exactly how to do it!
1. Make a commitment to yourself to begin initiating discussion about sex with your partner, starting today. Start by asking your lover open-ended questions to explore his sexual thoughts, feelings, needs and desires. Example: “When were you especially sexually satisfied in the last few weeks, and why?” ; or “What are three things that I could do to make sex more pleasurable for you?” ; or “What specific things decrease or interfere with your sexual desire?” or “In what specific ways would you like me to communicate my sexual desires to you?”
2. Be creative about sexual communication and have fun with experimenting with innovative ways to open up sexual dialogue between you and your lover. Play a game with your partner of writing down all your fantasies on a piece of paper, putting it into a bowl and then each picking out one per week to play out in real life.
3. Pledge to always clearly and directly let your lover know both when you are and when you are not sexually satisfied; the specific things you like in sex; the specific things you need and want in sex; when exactly you want to have sex; and what sexual acts you find most arousing.
…..Don’t let lack of sexual communication get in the way of your pleasure any longer. Dare to ask the questions that will make sex so much more enjoyable, boost passion, and facilitate a deeper connection and intimacy in your relationship.
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….Are you a woman seeking practical techniques to discover, explore, express and embrace your sexual self? Click here to learn specific skills to improve your relationship with yourself (the key to better sex and relationships with others) by assisting you to connect with your core sexual self through intensive reflective questions and strategies!
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Miya Yamanouchi is an empowerment counsellor with specialist sexual health training who has extensive experience assisting men and women across Australia to discover and embrace their authentic selves. Miya has practiced in a variety of specialist counselling roles both while undertaking her clinical training and honing her skills as a health professional, including Drug & Alcohol Counsellor (DrugArm Australasia), International Student Counsellor (The Australian Institute of Professional Education), Sexual Health Counsellor (Impotence Australia) and Sex & Relationships Counsellor (The Australasian Institute of Sexual Health Medicine). In addition to her role as a counsellor, Miya is also a Reference Group memberfor The Australian Research Centre in Sex, Health and Society, a Network Coordinator for The Mental Health Professionals Network, a Blogger for The Kinsey Institute, a YourTango Expert for New-York based international sex and relationships online magazine YourTango, and Social Media Content Creator (Instagram) for The Sydney Feminists. Miya is a published author with Penguin Group, and has also had her online articles and inspirational quotes published and shared across the globe including The Americas, Europe, Asia, and all the way to West Africa.